i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
