I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize