I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
