Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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