I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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