Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
