im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
