My balls are so social today.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
