I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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