Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
