I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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