just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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