I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
