is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
