I think I died a long time ago.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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