I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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