So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
