Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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