by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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