so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
