and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
