I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize