if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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