An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
