my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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