i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
