i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
