I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
