I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there's paper in my vomit.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
