You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
