Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
