By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
