Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
