I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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