You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
