Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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