Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I could fuck to npr.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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