i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
