I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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