I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
