so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
