My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't EVER smell your tampon
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
