My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
