Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
