so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
