Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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