I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize