At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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