you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
