I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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