i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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