gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
