she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
