watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
