my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
