Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
