nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
