after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
