I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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