I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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