I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let's paint friendship bongs
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
