I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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