dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
