I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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