I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
