I will die if light touches me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
