I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
