Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
