Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
