If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
