How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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