i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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