just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
