Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
