Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
