Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
