It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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