I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
