I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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