he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
